Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
