I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
