I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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