we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
