is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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