Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
