btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
