come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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