He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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