I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
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He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.