see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
