I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
