You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
