The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
