He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
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You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
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No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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