I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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