A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
