theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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