Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
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Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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