3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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