im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
As shirtless as possible
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
