eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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