my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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