I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
