I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
