Got a toothbrush?
where am i from again
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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