im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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