I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
