dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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