I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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