HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
