I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just want nice things and good sex
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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