I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
