Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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