i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i think i have herpe
just one?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
