maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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