My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
