a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
