this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
