checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
