I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
