she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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