My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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