Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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