its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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