fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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