the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
