also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
