I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
