my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
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I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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