Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I FOUND THE LEGS
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize