It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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