i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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