Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
