Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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