Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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