SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
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When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
40s are totally the cure
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
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I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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